My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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