you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
she smelled like a LAN party
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
