My sheets look like a crime scene.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
