Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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