You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
