we have pet lesbian snakes
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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