HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
