you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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