I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
