I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
