This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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