I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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