I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
