Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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