I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
