hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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