Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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