I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
