i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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