chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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