I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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