he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
