We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I think i got beer on your cat.
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