i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
