i already hear my dad disowning me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i came on her dog
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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