If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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