Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
