Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just found a bag of teeth...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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