I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
