when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
