Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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