Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
