I'm so fucking centered right now
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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