I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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