youre lurking in front of me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
