woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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