I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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