Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize