Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
