I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
