awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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