oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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