i'm signing you up for texting rehab
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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