The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
