i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
