it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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