please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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