Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
