Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize