weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
