my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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