Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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