And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
