I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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