If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
