So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
