So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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