I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
