you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
