I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
