Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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