Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
