I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
