Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
