I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
