I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
