somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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