I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
