Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
