Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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