Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
